D.U.I. Life Change

Saturday was the day of my self surrender into Sheriff Joe’s Tent City. People told me to expect to be with other professionals like myself while serving my time in jail, so I was surprised to find the experience to be somewhat different.

I arrived before my check-in at 8 a.m. and waited outside of the Lower Buckeye Jail (LBJ). Nervous among other self-surrendering people of all walks of life, I kept to myself at first, but then gravitated towards a group of women who appeared to be fellow professionals who were first-timers. I neared in on the two red heads and a blond with short hair. After a few minutes of awkwardly lingering beside them, one of them came over holding up the book, Wicked, and asked, “Are you here for the book club?”

Clutching my own copy of Wicked in my arms, I responded in jest, “Why yes I am! What time do we start?”

Whew, I was in.

We stood and got to know each other a bit, searching for common ground, so we’d have “like individuals” to hang with on the “inside.” I was so grateful to learn that not only did the girl with the short hair have her copy of Wicked, but she also loves one of my favorite musicians, Celine Dion. In addition, she has a propensity to collect Hello Kitty desk supplies, a sure-fire IN to my selective Hello Kitty Pokey Posse. She was welcomed into my gang before we ever entered the clink. The initiation was solidified with a pinky swear once we were in a cell – the unbreakable vow to stick together while doing our time.

After we were let in through the huge metal doors that read, “Maricopa County Lower Buckeye Jail,” we were assessed by a nurse, lined up facing a concrete wall, legs spread and searched. From there we were led inside where we hopes were high that we’d soon be taken to the Tents where we would be issued a blanket and have access to food and drinks from the outdoor vending machines.

We walked into an office area, and were immediately led into a 6 x 8′ white slump block cell. I gasped out loud as I passed the dirty metal toilet to my right – realizing that I no longer had the privilege of privacy. My heart sunk, and I was flushed with both fear and strength as I scoped out my surroundings and immediately began the process of endurance. My new friend sat next to me on the cold cement bench and as the others filed into the room, I could feel her tension rise.

“I’m claustrophobic,” she said. (more…)

Last Friday, I went to my court appearance. Knowing how emotional it would be, I had my brother take me, and am grateful I did.
We arrived early, because I wanted to get a feel for the courtroom and get my barings before called to plead for a public defender.
Since I make more than $30,000 a year, I was denied a public defender when I applied at my court hearing. I was also advised to attend my court date and ask the judge to reconsider.
So, I had spent the last week researching my case, after determining that I could not afford an attorney. I would either need a public defender or have to defend myself.
Not knowing how the judge would respond to my request for a defender, I had to come prepared to defend myself.
I am most grateful that I did my homework about what would happen in the courtroom, because had I not been prepared for the bullying prosecutor, I may have caved before taking the stand.

I woke up with the haze and emotions evoked only by a hangover.

Friday night happy hour went into overtime, and I was going to pay the price well into my cherished Saturday.

Why did I drink so much? The days following my DUI, I was physically ill by the mere thought of alcohol. As days passed, I began taking a temperature and testing my limits of sobriety. I had drank a couple of times during the past week, but only when out with friends. Last night’s outing proved that I was medicating my stress… something I didn’t want to do during this vulnerable time.

My arrest was far more emotional than I had ever imagined, and facing criminal charges was too much to bear. I know I’m an emotional wreck. I’m scattered, unfocused and distracted. I need to slow down.

I enjoy being sober. I enjoy the focus and productivity… and clarity.

I need to learn how to go out and have fun without feeling this need to numb or calm myself by drinking.

People arrested for DUI surely go through a period of assessing their drinking habits and making changes where needed.. or not. I feel guilty for drinking at all. As I know some people go for months, or … ever… without touching alcohol. I want to be reasonable with my response … but drinking too much is not reasonable, or healthy.

Yesterday was the first day I could let go and not worry about whether or not to hire the DUI lawyer. I had exhausted my energy reserves on Monday and felt absolutely no guilt for allowing myself the freedom of a day without worry.

But today I awoke early filled with the immense pressure of a ticking clock and depleted bank account. If I am to hire this lawyer, I will need to either get a collateral loan or sell the non-sentimental jewelry inherited from my Grammy. I don’t have money to pay back a loan at this point, having just signed up for a credit counseling program, so selling the jewelry seems the most logical.

On top of that, there is mounting pressure of my other financial matters that were already surmounting prior to my DUI. But those were less time-sensitive issues, and could wait. Suddenly, the act of worrying about my late bills and maintaining my credit seemed to take a back burner… everything moved down on the priority totem pole as my court date nears and my time is running out.

After work, I decided to take my dogs on a walk and exert some of my pent up energy. I had work to do at home that night, but after my walk, decided to go to church for another Wednesday night guided meditation. As I entered the calm room filled with people, all the stress from my day was magnified. I found a seat in front and quietly sat, breathed in and exhaled the healing air that would feed my hungry heart.

The meditation was about “Letting Go” … perfect, as expected. As I meditated, I focused on moments of contentment as I breathed in the life-giving air while exhaling the toxic fear that filled my lungs, heart and soul. With each breath, I felt the blackened oxygen-depleted air and energy leaving my body. As I changed my focus, my muscles relaxed and I began to feel connected to others in the room.

During a moment of silent meditation, I felt as if God spoke the word “Go” to me. Unsure what that referred to exactly, I released it from my mind and allowed myself to stay present in the silence.

As I drove home, I found myself obsessing on making plans, a exhausting form of OCD that drains me. “Just be present” i thought as i sat at a red light waiting to turn. As I looked at the car next to me, a series of signs caught my eye. A nearby car lot had multiple large signs posted, each which said, “Go.”

It was a sign. But what did it mean? As I drove home, I decided to stay open and present, but soon thereafter found myself professing that I would “Go” to the lawyer without fear, without hesitation. Tomorrow, I will pray on this one more time. And with that, I will let it go.

Today was filled with anticipation, planning, fear, uncertainty and more tears than I’ve shed in … ever. And, I’m a crier. Ask any of my anonymous friends.

I started my day by heading to a lawyer for a consultation. Let’s just say that I was quite grateful to find a box of tissue in the lobby – indicating that I wasn’t the first tear-stricken lobby visitor in the history of this firm. So far, so good.

As I sat in the waiting room, the tears soared, tears that even an introduction to a stranger who would be my attorney couldn’t stop.H He was gracious and understanding, yet firm and a no frills, down to business guy. Go figure. He better be.

I had been praying for days that God would guide me in the right direction, and had professed that I would “give it up” when the obsessive thoughts and doubts would reign over my otherwise almost-sane mind. And here I was, now sitting in a glass-contained conference room, I was disclosing the details of the case, and learning the process of what I was about to face.

As I sat talking, he was distracted by someone over my shoulder. Having a boystrous voice, I immediately assumed that someone was telling him to keep it down. He assured me I was fine, but shortly thereafter, excused himself to talk to her. Shortly thereafter, he came back into the room and we continued with the interview.

The information I gained was priceless, and I strongly recommend that even if you cannot afford an attorney, go to the free consultation. The information I gained there was invaluable. Unlike the woman at the front desk of the police station who gave me my keys back the morning after my DUI, he had facts for me concerning what I was about to face. What the process would entail, and what my various options were.

During the past 11 days, I had taken in any an all information available to me about first-offense DUI. And none of this information was as clear and thorough as what I learned during that 45 minutes.

**Interject options for proceeding**

At the end of the consultation, he paused and stated that he needed to disclose that someone in the office knew me.

Shocked, I stated, “Really!? Who”

“The woman who called me out of the conference room is your neighbor and she knows you… Jessica”

“{Explicative}” I said. “we do not get along. She’s the president of our HOA and … Oh my! We used to be great friends, but we now…”

“None of that matters here.” he assured.

Being the believer that everything happens for a reason, I asked to see her. Of all of the hundreds, if not thousands of law firms I could have gone to in the valley, I ended up at my arch nemesis. And… I don’t have archnemeses. But she and I had become distant and had been not speaking for well over a year.

She came in and we hugged, as I saw this as a rendevous set up by a higher power that had tried to soften my spirit and get me to go make amends the Wednesday before during my meditiation at church. It was just uncanny and … unbelievable.

Hororscope….

Meeting girls for coffee.

Noting our comments on the food.

The past few days have been filled with anticipation and bewilderment as I face the upcoming hearing for my DUI. While I’m often distracted and saddened by my pending future in courts and jail, driving a car with a breathalyzer and having to pay huge fines, I am also beginning to find that I am still able to enjoy life. Each day feels a bit more like normal, and interestingly, this trauma has distracted me from recent other heartbreaks in my life. This experience has led me to see things with a new perspective, new sense of gratitude that comes from being so humbled.

Accepting my future and embracing my humility is quite empowering. Each step forward becomes easier each day and the emotional sense of insecurity is slowly waning.

Tomorrow, I face my first court hearing where I will plead “not guilty” to my three charges; DUI, BAC over .08 within 2 hours of driving; and unsafe lane change. I have decided to meet with a lawyer for a free consultation prior to my hearing to help ease my anxiety about the upcoming process. At this point, my biggest decision is whether to use an expensive DUI attorney or go with a public defender. The attorneys who specialize in DUIs are well-known for finding technicalities that may otherwise go overlooked, but will cost more than I can afford. His fees are $5000 and I just don’t know how I’d pay for it. My options are to either stop paying my mortgage – something I may need to do anyway so they weill work with me to get a more “appropriate” loan for the house I’m upside down on, or sell my grandmother’s silver Reed & Barton tea set. I’m leaning towards the mortgage, simply because the silver set is so cherished to me, possibly more so than my credit.

Aside from this stressful situation, this weekend has been so wonderful, as I spent time with friends truly enjoying myself. When I am with others, I find that I am not thinking about it, and able to enjoy life. Unfortunately, when I am alone, haunting thoughts and fear are more likely to permeate my mind and quash my otherwise free spirit.

Last night, I went out with my friend and enjoyed some drinks (and had a designated driver.) I have decided that one change I will make in my life is to not drink alone — something I used to do with wine after I got home during the week. I feel comfortable with this change, as it is not drastic, but very healthy, especially since I seem to drink out of boredom. Instead, I plan to take up some hobbies and enjoy them when I get home in the evenings. My brother’s friend asked me if there was anything I’ve always wanted to learn or do that I haven’t done yet. This was a great question and led me to open my mind to several options. I have decide to take up painting and convert one of my gurest rooms into a painting room where I can go and express my creativity. I am SO looking forward to this, and it gives me a chance to express myself. What a healthy compromise.

So, with my forward growth the steps back are becoming fewer, and the sting is felt with each reminder, I am celebrating the momentum in my forward motion.

Best Moments of This Weekend
1. Buying jeans that were at least one size smaller than the ones I”d been wearing.
2. Sharing my Saturday with a dear friend who is just amazing
3. Having time to nest and cook at home on Sunday

“You’re as sick as your secrets.” How true those words are.

For the past few days, I’ve been debating when, how, if to tell my parents about my DUI last week. After much contemplation and great distress, I decided to face the parental judge and jury.

I told my dad yesterday… today was “Tell Mom Day.” I knew it was coming, but wasn’t sure when my debating mind would teeter over to the “Tell her now” side.

Today, I received an email from my friend’s mother who expressed her feelings about my hesitation to share the disturbing news with my mom. She reassured me that no matter what children do, mothers don’t stop loving us. They may not be pleased, and in this case, she’ll probably be shocked. But they don’t stop loving us.

How wonderful it felt to receive that email from her. I knew this was true, but needed to be ready to face my mom’s disappointment. And when I did, as others had speculated, I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction.

She was understanding, forgiving, loving,
… and just as my friend’s mom speculated
… a bit shocked.

And so was I.

3 Greatest Moments of Today
1. The moment after telling my mom, when hearing her understanding voice on the other end of the phone.
2. Speaking to a friend from the police department who was able to answer some of my questions and ease my mind a bit.
3. Speaking to the wonderful people at Masen Law Firm who were so helpful and relieved some of my stress.

I woke up a bit depressed, not knowing what is ahead and called someone who’s been through a DUI. It’s amazing how many people have.

He lifted my spirits a bit… but I’m still beating myself up, feeling like a failure.

Since he was in the car with me when I was pulled over, he knows my state — and could verify that I wasn’t reckless. It just wasn’t wise to leave that parking lot after having alcohol.

Regardless, responsibility & change… today, I’ll clean my house and garden a little bit. Do things that will heal me… even if only a little.