I haven’t ever been into drugs, but this girl enjoys a good glass of wine … or 6. Hence the problem.

As with anything in my life, I’m an “all or nothing” type. Once I start, I have a hard time quitting. Over the years, I’ve become aware of this propensity and have learned to take a cab, stay the night or stop drinking a couple hours before leaving, (which, based on results, doesn’t work.)

The night of my DUI one week ago, I wanted to get home before midnight. Since ordering equals a commitment to stay for “just one more.” I had stopped ordering drinks an hour or so before we left. However, when I got thirsty, I’d sneak a drink of my brother’s beer. . . not recommended.

The first few days following that fateful night, the mere thought of alcohol or a party made me ill. The mere thought of the smell of alcohol was connected to the experience and fear I felt during my arrest. Which is a great Pavlovian response. But as days go by, I can feel those feelings dissipating very slowly.

During these past few days, I’ve contemplated whether to drink EVER again, and if so, HOW to drink.

Bursting with personality, I don’t *need* to drink to have fun. I think I drink because I’m bored. As the popular saying goes, “I only drink to make YOU more interesting.” Well, I drink to make LIFE more interesting. Which doesn’t even make sense, considering that it doesn’t take much to entertain me. Just ask any of the anonymous people I know.

I’ve thought of going to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA,) just to see what all the hoopla’s about. And since I’ve stopped drinking, I’d really like someplace to hang out besides on the couch with my dogs. But I’m afraid that once I’m in the door, I’m trapped into a lifetime commitment of collecting “chips” and touting how long I’ve been sober. What if I don’t *want* to stop completely? What if I don’t *need* to stop completely?

Can I go through a work-week foregoing happy hour and the calming dose of Merlot? I’d like to save my drinking time for an occasional wine party or barbecue. I’m afraid to try. I’m kinda in this drinking purgatory – the Switzerland of Shiraz. I don’t know how to proceed, and am feeling paralyzed.

I was just invited to a big wine party where I get to play dress-up and everything. While I need to get out and meet people, I’m truly frightened of drinking. Not like I think I’m going to freak out and do something inappropriate or start dancing on tables (though neither of which are improbable, but I do that sober) I’m just afraid that I will … actually, I don’t know what I’m afraid of.

Where is this support group I wrote about a few days ago? It sure would come in handy about now. Thoughts? Anyone have words of wisdom to interject?

Today I went to church and had to drive by the place where I was pulled over for my DUI last week. As I neared the parking lot that I had pulled out of before the police began following me, I could feel the anxiety rushing over me.

“Would I ever go there again? Would *not* going be overkill? What is in store for my future?” Ugh, the mental anxiety is exhausting.

As I turned the corner, I thought about how aware I had become of my feelings, but I was ok. However, a block later, the tears began flowing … again. I wasn’t even IN church yet, and I was crying. As I parked my car in the furthest spot from the entrance, I sat and let it out. Then I picked up my phone to call my friend who would be there.

She was able to give me the most effective advice in that moment. . . “Why are you so hard on yourself?” She asked.”Do you think God is this hard on you?”

“Well, I guess we’re about to find out.” I replied as I got out of the car and headed toward the building.

“Do you think I love my son any less because he has a DUI?” She asked.

And with that, I came to a new DUIpiphany … we truly ARE harder on ourselves than anyone else. Parents don’t love children less because they make mistakes.

They may be disappointed, angry and frustrated, but they don’t love us any less. And with that, I was able to call my dad today and tell him what happened. I had been harboring the guilt inside for the past few days and needed to come clean.

Of course, dad was disappointed. But he was also understanding … understanding that I recognized my mistake and was humbled by it. It was nice to be able to share with him, and I can only hope to be able to soon tell my mom. But I’m still not so sure she’d want to know. I hate keeping a secret.

“You’re as sick as your secrets” was a phrase my friend shared today. And I believe that. But I also know that my mom will be very disappointed in me. But I think she’ll also appreciate where I am as a result.

Right now, I’m focused on accepting my mistake, forgiving myself and not letting this paralyze my zest for life. I highly doubt that’s possible, cuz I’ve got a lot of personality — and it’s gonna be hard to stifle.

3 Greatest Moments of Today:

1. Realizing that I’m hardest on myself – and God knows who I am inside and out.

2.Feeling the disappointment, love, support and forgiveness from my dad.

3. Spending a beer-free NFL Sunday with a dear friend.

The sound and feeling of the handcuffs will haunt me forever

Two nights ago, I got my first DUI. The first 24 hours were horrific — not because I was taken to jail right away, but because I was living in my own personal prison of self loathing.

I went home, went to bed and woke up the next day still sobbing. Having had only 3 hours of sleep, i needed more rest. But I also needed to be somewhere with people, so i went to work.

It was hard to get ready, as I continued to cry.

I now have a DUI. I have a record. I have a mugshot. I had been handcuffed and put in a police car at 1:30 in the morning.

I was devastated. I was humiliated. I was guilty.

I think the hardest thing that I had to deal with that first 24 hours was an overwhelming, heartwrenching feeling that I let down society. I let down my friends, I let down myself. And I’m sure God wasn’t too happy with me either. it was SO fresh and raw that it didn’t seem real.

This wasn’t the first time I had thought I was fine to drive home after a few drinks. It was the first time I got caught. And the emotions that went along with my arrest were far more excrutiating than ANYONE was able to prepare me for in the many stories I had heard before.

I have been in complete shock for the first 24 hours. The feelings that overcame me were far worse than i had ever imagined they would be. it wasn’t just a matter of, “Ok, this is what I need to do to fix this.” I will have to wait for my hearing, where I would learn the severity of my crime and … ugh… even using the word “crime” hurts… and the penalty I will have to pay.

The waiting is the worst part. I have no idea if I will have to pay for a breathelizer for my car. Will i have to stay in jail? And… for how long?

How much will this cost me? I just got my finances in order so that im’ barely making it as it is. I don’t have any more give.

I want to make this a postiive thing in my life. That is how I live my life. Every struggle I face, I face with the view that this is an opportunity to improve my life, become stronger. And most importantly, a challenge to come from LOVE, not resentment or bitterness. Both of those feelings will ultimately eat at my heart and over time, change my outlook and joy in life. I will NOT let that happen. I will come from a place of love and growth here and move on stronger and more loving than ever.

10/2

I woke up feeling sorrowful, but with a glimmer of hope. After talking to a friend, i felt even better and by thinking of ways to GROW from this, I was empowered. Today would be the day I decided how I would change. Would I go to AA? I don’t want to make any rash decisions based out of the fear that is still so raw. But I need to assess my life and begin to make changes… where change is needed.

I also don’t want to go overboard.

I want to do what i need to do to be a better person.

I bought the url today – www.duilifechange.com. From here, i will begin journaling and we will see how this site evolves. My ultimate goal is to create a place where people can go to heal and move forward in a healthy way. Not allowing greif and guilt to consume them.

Bitterness will heal nothing. We all must come from a place of love and understanding.

After buying my URL, i felt a sense of empowerment — I will take this on and not let it define me negatively. Interestingly enough, when i bought the URL, the representative told me that he just heard from someone who lost his job after getting his first DUI.

DUI happens to the best of us — when the best of us make bad decisions. And just because someone has a DUI, doesn’t mean they have to let it crush their spirit. Make change. empower yourself… but do not become a victim. No matter what the police officer did or didn’t do, you chose to get in the car after having drinks. The minute you accept that, the better off you will be. Because without responsibility, there will never be healing.

And that’s GREAT NEWS. Once we accept our weaknesses, we can change them. Until then, we’re just walking around in the dark trying not to run into things. It’s futile. If you choose to go out without a designated driver plan, you are setting yourself up to fail. And this failure is the worst failure I’ve ever felt.

I can imagine that anyone who’s had a DUI spends hours thinking of what they “should have” done differently. Or how they could have avoided being pulled over. But the bottom line is that we chose to get behind the wheel. We made a horrible decision. And most of us are lucky that we were caught before something horrible happened.

I didn’t even want to go out that night, I wanted to stay home and work. So I’ve spent many hours playing out the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve” game in my head. But I wanted to spend time with my friends. I hide behind my work and tend to stay home too much. So I decided to go out and socialize.

Which was a good idea. I needed it. I’ve been through a horrible year of trials. During the past 9 months, I went through a difficult breakup, a major surgery, a minor surgery – and was just beginning to feel good again. I was just now beginning to feel like myself. I was just beginning to feel like celebrating and getting out and having fun. And I did.

But I thought I was fine. However, the law doesn’t go by how you feel. They go by the numbers. And once they pull you over, feeling fine doesn’t matter if you have had drinks and feel fine, you are just fine enough to put yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I wasn’t speeding. I wasn’t being reckless. But leaving a busy bar at 1:30 a.m. after drinking is a decision that only someone who’s been drinking would think is rational.

I see things differently right now. It’s like my reality is new, rejuvenated. I want to enjoy things in life without alcohol. The thought of alcohol makes me sick today. The thought of going out makes me sick. The entire process and label of being the DUI girl… is something that I want to use at a catalyst in which to bring about positive change… because, quite honestly, anything else would be destructive to my soul. This is the only thing I can do to come to terms with this, to try to heal and make amends with society, with myself.

I can’t afford to waste time, either. Because the more days that pass, the more desensitized my feelings become. And I so want to articulte the feelings when they are fresh. But last night, I coulnd’t even bring myself to focus enough to write.

So, bear with me while I build up this site and create a place for others to share and grow from their mistake. Fellow DUIers, you are not alone. . . your feelings of self-loathing are common, and you can rise above this and do something to make yourself feel empowered to make positive changes for yourself and everyone who loves you.