D.U.I. Life Change

I like to drink.

I haven’t ever been into drugs, but this girl enjoys a good glass of wine … or 6. Hence the problem.

As with anything in my life, I’m an “all or nothing” type. Once I start, I have a hard time quitting. Over the years, I’ve become aware of this propensity and have learned to take a cab, stay the night or stop drinking a couple hours before leaving, (which, based on results, doesn’t work.)

The night of my DUI one week ago, I wanted to get home before midnight. Since ordering equals a commitment to stay for “just one more.” I had stopped ordering drinks an hour or so before we left. However, when I got thirsty, I’d sneak a drink of my brother’s beer. . . not recommended.

The first few days following that fateful night, the mere thought of alcohol or a party made me ill. The mere thought of the smell of alcohol was connected to the experience and fear I felt during my arrest. Which is a great Pavlovian response. But as days go by, I can feel those feelings dissipating very slowly.

During these past few days, I’ve contemplated whether to drink EVER again, and if so, HOW to drink.

Bursting with personality, I don’t *need* to drink to have fun. I think I drink because I’m bored. As the popular saying goes, “I only drink to make YOU more interesting.” Well, I drink to make LIFE more interesting. Which doesn’t even make sense, considering that it doesn’t take much to entertain me. Just ask any of the anonymous people I know. (more…)

It’s true we’re the hardest on ourselves.

Today I went to church and had to drive by the place where I was pulled over for my DUI last week. As I neared the parking lot that I had pulled out of before the police began following me, I could feel the anxiety rushing over me.

“Would I ever go there again? Would *not* going be overkill? What is in store for my future?” Ugh, the mental anxiety is exhausting.

As I turned the corner, I thought about how aware I had become of my feelings, but I was ok. However, a block later, the tears began flowing … again. I wasn’t even IN church yet, and I was crying. As I parked my car in the furthest spot from the entrance, I sat and let it out. Then I picked up my phone to call my friend who would be there.

She was able to give me the most effective advice in that moment. . . “Why are you so hard on yourself?” She asked.”Do you think God is this hard on you?”

“Well, I guess we’re about to find out.” I replied as I got out of the car and headed toward the building.

“Do you think I love my son any less because he has a DUI?” She asked.

And with that, I came to a new DUIpiphany … we truly ARE harder on ourselves than anyone else. Parents don’t love children less because they make mistakes.

They may be disappointed, angry and frustrated, but they don’t love us any less. And with that, I was able to call my dad today and tell him what happened. I had been harboring the guilt inside for the past few days and needed to come clean.

Of course, dad was disappointed. But he was also understanding … understanding that I recognized my mistake and was humbled by it. It was nice to be able to share with him, and I can only hope to be able to soon tell my mom. But I’m still not so sure she’d want to know. I hate keeping a secret.

“You’re as sick as your secrets” was a phrase my friend shared today. And I believe that. But I also know that my mom will be very disappointed in me. But I think she’ll also appreciate where I am as a result.

Right now, I’m focused on accepting my mistake, forgiving myself and not letting this paralyze my zest for life. I highly doubt that’s possible, cuz I’ve got a lot of personality — and it’s gonna be hard to stifle.

3 Greatest Moments of Today:

1. Realizing that I’m hardest on myself – and God knows who I am inside and out.

2.Feeling the disappointment, love, support and forgiveness from my dad.

3. Spending a beer-free NFL Sunday with a dear friend.

The sound and feeling of the handcuffs will haunt me forever

Two nights ago, I got my first DUI. The first 24 hours were horrific — not because I was taken to jail right away, but because I was living in my own personal prison of self loathing.

I went home, went to bed and woke up the next day still sobbing. Having had only 3 hours of sleep, i needed more rest. But I also needed to be somewhere with people, so i went to work.

It was hard to get ready, as I continued to cry.

I now have a DUI. I have a record. I have a mugshot. I had been handcuffed and put in a police car at 1:30 in the morning.

I was devastated. I was humiliated. I was guilty.

I think the hardest thing that I had to deal with that first 24 hours was an overwhelming, heartwrenching feeling that I let down society. I let down my friends, I let down myself. And I’m sure God wasn’t too happy with me either. it was SO fresh and raw that it didn’t seem real.

This wasn’t the first time I had thought I was fine to drive home after a few drinks. It was the first time I got caught. And the emotions that went along with my arrest were far more excrutiating than ANYONE was able to prepare me for in the many stories I had heard before.

I have been in complete shock for the first 24 hours. The feelings that overcame me were far worse than i had ever imagined they would be. it wasn’t just a matter of, “Ok, this is what I need to do to fix this.” I will have to wait for my hearing, where I would learn the severity of my crime and … ugh… even using the word “crime” hurts… and the penalty I will have to pay.

The waiting is the worst part. I have no idea if I will have to pay for a breathelizer for my car. Will i have to stay in jail? And… for how long? (more…)