A challenge to redirect fear and embrace the things we don’t yet know. Life is such a mystery.

Yesterday I took my grandmother’s jewelry to be appraised to see how much it was worth. The lawyer I would like to use for my DUI case is going to cost me $5,000. If I’m going to hire him, I would need to sell these heirlooms … a difficult decision that I couldn’t make until I knew the worth of my valuables. The jeweler’s offer left me sure that I would not be able to afford the lawyer, which meant I would be going to court in one week and begging the judge to provide me with a public defender. Since I make more than $30,000 a year, I didn’t qualify for the legal defense that the law says I have a right to. Apparently, the line that states, “if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you,” was dependent on figures that didn’t apply to the majority of the population.

As I headed through a part of town I was unfamiliar with, my mind was swimming with a school of thoughts about my DUI. A flash from the side of the road quickly awakened me from my daydream. In that instant, I knew that a speed camera was the culprit, my vehicle plate and windshield were the subjects.

“Damnit! Was this really happening? No. This was not happening. It couldn’t. How could this happen? What the hell? Oh my god, no. I did NOT just get a speeding violation!”

I had quickly slowed down involuntarily once the flash struck, and now did not know how fast I had been going, or if the flash was aimed at me at all. All I knew is that I didn’t need another uncertainty in my life. I didn’t have room for more of the unknown. Unfortunately, the unknowns in my life were beginning to take over my life and outnumber the comforts of what I knew and could anticipate.

As the reality of my latest moving violation set in, I was in disbelief, and quickly spiraled into an internal frenzy of fear as I realized that a speeding ticket after a DUI was not going to fare well for me. Thoughts raced as I scrambled to understand the repercussions of this action. But i didn’t have facts, so my fear was inconsolable. I remembered a friend who told me that if a person receives a DUI, they get 8 points removed from their license. Any moving violation would bring their points to 0 and lead to an automatic license suspension – for a year.

I made it home safely, but once in the door of my house, I fell into complete hysterics.

“I cannot take any more!” I cried out. I had gone through so much during the months prior to my DUI that my threshold was met. Only 5 months prior, I went through a very heart wrenching breakup and subsequent medical issues that had a severe impact on my life and emotional well-being. The DUI that followed was insult to the already insulted injury. . . and one more bout of bad news could send me into the depths of self destruction. I was now on the brink of calling it quits and allowing fear to win, a feat that could very well send me straight to crazy town.

I had been clinging to my deteriorating positive outlook, and was almost at the point of letting it go and becoming angry and bitter.

But I know that when we lose hope, evil sets in and bitterness takes over. My determined spirit was strong, and after allowing the fear in and falling apart, I knew I would be able to find a glimmer of hope, however slight, through acceptance and reason. But at the moment, I would allow the fear to consume me, entertain all of the potential consequences and address what I was looking at.

Where was a DUI support group? My distracted frame of mind was proving dangerous to myself, and possibly others. I was driving better the night I was arrested for DUI than I had been on the days that followed. Every free moment, was a concentrated obsession with how I should proceed with my court date and the 3 counts against me – DUI, Driving with a BAC over .08, and Unsafe lane change. (which I never made.) It was becoming clear that I was in no condition to be driving.

After calming down, I called a friend and we headed out for happy hour… I really needed a happy hour. As I got in her car, the first words from my mouth were, “I need a drink.”

Where was the DUI support group?

I haven’t ever been into drugs, but this girl enjoys a good glass of wine … or 6. Hence the problem.

As with anything in my life, I’m an “all or nothing” type. Once I start, I have a hard time quitting. Over the years, I’ve become aware of this propensity and have learned to take a cab, stay the night or stop drinking a couple hours before leaving, (which, based on results, doesn’t work.)

The night of my DUI one week ago, I wanted to get home before midnight. Since ordering equals a commitment to stay for “just one more.” I had stopped ordering drinks an hour or so before we left. However, when I got thirsty, I’d sneak a drink of my brother’s beer. . . not recommended.

The first few days following that fateful night, the mere thought of alcohol or a party made me ill. The mere thought of the smell of alcohol was connected to the experience and fear I felt during my arrest. Which is a great Pavlovian response. But as days go by, I can feel those feelings dissipating very slowly.

During these past few days, I’ve contemplated whether to drink EVER again, and if so, HOW to drink.

Bursting with personality, I don’t *need* to drink to have fun. I think I drink because I’m bored. As the popular saying goes, “I only drink to make YOU more interesting.” Well, I drink to make LIFE more interesting. Which doesn’t even make sense, considering that it doesn’t take much to entertain me. Just ask any of the anonymous people I know.

I’ve thought of going to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA,) just to see what all the hoopla’s about. And since I’ve stopped drinking, I’d really like someplace to hang out besides on the couch with my dogs. But I’m afraid that once I’m in the door, I’m trapped into a lifetime commitment of collecting “chips” and touting how long I’ve been sober. What if I don’t *want* to stop completely? What if I don’t *need* to stop completely?

Can I go through a work-week foregoing happy hour and the calming dose of Merlot? I’d like to save my drinking time for an occasional wine party or barbecue. I’m afraid to try. I’m kinda in this drinking purgatory – the Switzerland of Shiraz. I don’t know how to proceed, and am feeling paralyzed.

I was just invited to a big wine party where I get to play dress-up and everything. While I need to get out and meet people, I’m truly frightened of drinking. Not like I think I’m going to freak out and do something inappropriate or start dancing on tables (though neither of which are improbable, but I do that sober) I’m just afraid that I will … actually, I don’t know what I’m afraid of.

Where is this support group I wrote about a few days ago? It sure would come in handy about now. Thoughts? Anyone have words of wisdom to interject?