Letting “Go”
Yesterday was the first day I could let go and not worry about whether or not to hire the DUI lawyer. I had exhausted my energy reserves on Monday and felt absolutely no guilt for allowing myself the freedom of a day without worry.
But today I awoke early filled with the immense pressure of a ticking clock and depleted bank account. If I am to hire this lawyer, I will need to either get a collateral loan or sell the non-sentimental jewelry inherited from my Grammy. I don’t have money to pay back a loan at this point, having just signed up for a credit counseling program, so selling the jewelry seems the most logical.
On top of that, there is mounting pressure of my other financial matters that were already surmounting prior to my DUI. But those were less time-sensitive issues, and could wait. Suddenly, the act of worrying about my late bills and maintaining my credit seemed to take a back burner… everything moved down on the priority totem pole as my court date nears and my time is running out.
After work, I decided to take my dogs on a walk and exert some of my pent up energy. I had work to do at home that night, but after my walk, decided to go to church for another Wednesday night guided meditation. As I entered the calm room filled with people, all the stress from my day was magnified. I found a seat in front and quietly sat, breathed in and exhaled the healing air that would feed my hungry heart.
The meditation was about “Letting Go” … perfect, as expected. As I meditated, I focused on moments of contentment as I breathed in the life-giving air while exhaling the toxic fear that filled my lungs, heart and soul. With each breath, I felt the blackened oxygen-depleted air and energy leaving my body. As I changed my focus, my muscles relaxed and I began to feel connected to others in the room.
During a moment of silent meditation, I felt as if God spoke the word “Go” to me. Unsure what that referred to exactly, I released it from my mind and allowed myself to stay present in the silence.
As I drove home, I found myself obsessing on making plans, a exhausting form of OCD that drains me. “Just be present” i thought as i sat at a red light waiting to turn. As I looked at the car next to me, a series of signs caught my eye. A nearby car lot had multiple large signs posted, each which said, “Go.”
It was a sign. But what did it mean? As I drove home, I decided to stay open and present, but soon thereafter found myself professing that I would “Go” to the lawyer without fear, without hesitation. Tomorrow, I will pray on this one more time. And with that, I will let it go.