Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
The past few days have been filled with anticipation and bewilderment as I face the upcoming hearing for my DUI. While I’m often distracted and saddened by my pending future in courts and jail, driving a car with a breathalyzer and having to pay huge fines, I am also beginning to find that I am still able to enjoy life. Each day feels a bit more like normal, and interestingly, this trauma has distracted me from recent other heartbreaks in my life. This experience has led me to see things with a new perspective, new sense of gratitude that comes from being so humbled.
Accepting my future and embracing my humility is quite empowering. Each step forward becomes easier each day and the emotional sense of insecurity is slowly waning.
Tomorrow, I face my first court hearing where I will plead “not guilty” to my three charges; DUI, BAC over .08 within 2 hours of driving; and unsafe lane change. I have decided to meet with a lawyer for a free consultation prior to my hearing to help ease my anxiety about the upcoming process. At this point, my biggest decision is whether to use an expensive DUI attorney or go with a public defender. The attorneys who specialize in DUIs are well-known for finding technicalities that may otherwise go overlooked, but will cost more than I can afford. His fees are $5000 and I just don’t know how I’d pay for it. My options are to either stop paying my mortgage – something I may need to do anyway so they weill work with me to get a more “appropriate” loan for the house I’m upside down on, or sell my grandmother’s silver Reed & Barton tea set. I’m leaning towards the mortgage, simply because the silver set is so cherished to me, possibly more so than my credit.
Aside from this stressful situation, this weekend has been so wonderful, as I spent time with friends truly enjoying myself. When I am with others, I find that I am not thinking about it, and able to enjoy life. Unfortunately, when I am alone, haunting thoughts and fear are more likely to permeate my mind and quash my otherwise free spirit.
Last night, I went out with my friend and enjoyed some drinks (and had a designated driver.) I have decided that one change I will make in my life is to not drink alone — something I used to do with wine after I got home during the week. I feel comfortable with this change, as it is not drastic, but very healthy, especially since I seem to drink out of boredom. Instead, I plan to take up some hobbies and enjoy them when I get home in the evenings. My brother’s friend asked me if there was anything I’ve always wanted to learn or do that I haven’t done yet. This was a great question and led me to open my mind to several options. I have decide to take up painting and convert one of my gurest rooms into a painting room where I can go and express my creativity. I am SO looking forward to this, and it gives me a chance to express myself. What a healthy compromise.
So, with my forward growth the steps back are becoming fewer, and the sting is felt with each reminder, I am celebrating the momentum in my forward motion.
Best Moments of This Weekend
1. Buying jeans that were at least one size smaller than the ones I”d been wearing.
2. Sharing my Saturday with a dear friend who is just amazing
3. Having time to nest and cook at home on Sunday