D.U.I. Life Change

Two nights ago, I got my first DUI. The first 24 hours were horrific — not because I was taken to jail right away, but because I was living in my own personal prison of self loathing.

I went home, went to bed and woke up the next day still sobbing. Having had only 3 hours of sleep, i needed more rest. But I also needed to be somewhere with people, so i went to work.

It was hard to get ready, as I continued to cry.

I now have a DUI. I have a record. I have a mugshot. I had been handcuffed and put in a police car at 1:30 in the morning.

I was devastated. I was humiliated. I was guilty.

I think the hardest thing that I had to deal with that first 24 hours was an overwhelming, heartwrenching feeling that I let down society. I let down my friends, I let down myself. And I’m sure God wasn’t too happy with me either. it was SO fresh and raw that it didn’t seem real.

This wasn’t the first time I had thought I was fine to drive home after a few drinks. It was the first time I got caught. And the emotions that went along with my arrest were far more excrutiating than ANYONE was able to prepare me for in the many stories I had heard before.

I have been in complete shock for the first 24 hours. The feelings that overcame me were far worse than i had ever imagined they would be. it wasn’t just a matter of, “Ok, this is what I need to do to fix this.” I will have to wait for my hearing, where I would learn the severity of my crime and … ugh… even using the word “crime” hurts… and the penalty I will have to pay.

The waiting is the worst part. I have no idea if I will have to pay for a breathelizer for my car. Will i have to stay in jail? And… for how long?

How much will this cost me? I just got my finances in order so that im’ barely making it as it is. I don’t have any more give.

I want to make this a postiive thing in my life. That is how I live my life. Every struggle I face, I face with the view that this is an opportunity to improve my life, become stronger. And most importantly, a challenge to come from LOVE, not resentment or bitterness. Both of those feelings will ultimately eat at my heart and over time, change my outlook and joy in life. I will NOT let that happen. I will come from a place of love and growth here and move on stronger and more loving than ever.

10/2

I woke up feeling sorrowful, but with a glimmer of hope. After talking to a friend, i felt even better and by thinking of ways to GROW from this, I was empowered. Today would be the day I decided how I would change. Would I go to AA? I don’t want to make any rash decisions based out of the fear that is still so raw. But I need to assess my life and begin to make changes… where change is needed.

I also don’t want to go overboard.

I want to do what i need to do to be a better person.

I bought the url today – www.duilifechange.com. From here, i will begin journaling and we will see how this site evolves. My ultimate goal is to create a place where people can go to heal and move forward in a healthy way. Not allowing greif and guilt to consume them.

Bitterness will heal nothing. We all must come from a place of love and understanding.

After buying my URL, i felt a sense of empowerment — I will take this on and not let it define me negatively. Interestingly enough, when i bought the URL, the representative told me that he just heard from someone who lost his job after getting his first DUI.

DUI happens to the best of us — when the best of us make bad decisions. And just because someone has a DUI, doesn’t mean they have to let it crush their spirit. Make change. empower yourself… but do not become a victim. No matter what the police officer did or didn’t do, you chose to get in the car after having drinks. The minute you accept that, the better off you will be. Because without responsibility, there will never be healing.

And that’s GREAT NEWS. Once we accept our weaknesses, we can change them. Until then, we’re just walking around in the dark trying not to run into things. It’s futile. If you choose to go out without a designated driver plan, you are setting yourself up to fail. And this failure is the worst failure I’ve ever felt.

I can imagine that anyone who’s had a DUI spends hours thinking of what they “should have” done differently. Or how they could have avoided being pulled over. But the bottom line is that we chose to get behind the wheel. We made a horrible decision. And most of us are lucky that we were caught before something horrible happened.

I didn’t even want to go out that night, I wanted to stay home and work. So I’ve spent many hours playing out the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve” game in my head. But I wanted to spend time with my friends. I hide behind my work and tend to stay home too much. So I decided to go out and socialize.

Which was a good idea. I needed it. I’ve been through a horrible year of trials. During the past 9 months, I went through a difficult breakup, a major surgery, a minor surgery – and was just beginning to feel good again. I was just now beginning to feel like myself. I was just beginning to feel like celebrating and getting out and having fun. And I did.

But I thought I was fine. However, the law doesn’t go by how you feel. They go by the numbers. And once they pull you over, feeling fine doesn’t matter if you have had drinks and feel fine, you are just fine enough to put yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I wasn’t speeding. I wasn’t being reckless. But leaving a busy bar at 1:30 a.m. after drinking is a decision that only someone who’s been drinking would think is rational.

I see things differently right now. It’s like my reality is new, rejuvenated. I want to enjoy things in life without alcohol. The thought of alcohol makes me sick today. The thought of going out makes me sick. The entire process and label of being the DUI girl… is something that I want to use at a catalyst in which to bring about positive change… because, quite honestly, anything else would be destructive to my soul. This is the only thing I can do to come to terms with this, to try to heal and make amends with society, with myself.

I can’t afford to waste time, either. Because the more days that pass, the more desensitized my feelings become. And I so want to articulte the feelings when they are fresh. But last night, I coulnd’t even bring myself to focus enough to write.

So, bear with me while I build up this site and create a place for others to share and grow from their mistake. Fellow DUIers, you are not alone. . . your feelings of self-loathing are common, and you can rise above this and do something to make yourself feel empowered to make positive changes for yourself and everyone who loves you.