D.U.I. Life Change

Last Friday, I went to my court appearance. Knowing how emotional it would be, I had my brother take me, and am grateful I did.
We arrived early, because I wanted to get a feel for the courtroom and get my barings before called to plead for a public defender.
Since I make more than $30,000 a year, I was denied a public defender when I applied at my court hearing. I was also advised to attend my court date and ask the judge to reconsider.
So, I had spent the last week researching my case, after determining that I could not afford an attorney. I would either need a public defender or have to defend myself.
Not knowing how the judge would respond to my request for a defender, I had to come prepared to defend myself.
I am most grateful that I did my homework about what would happen in the courtroom, because had I not been prepared for the bullying prosecutor, I may have caved before taking the stand.

I woke up with the haze and emotions evoked only by a hangover.

Friday night happy hour went into overtime, and I was going to pay the price well into my cherished Saturday.

Why did I drink so much? The days following my DUI, I was physically ill by the mere thought of alcohol. As days passed, I began taking a temperature and testing my limits of sobriety. I had drank a couple of times during the past week, but only when out with friends. Last night’s outing proved that I was medicating my stress… something I didn’t want to do during this vulnerable time.

My arrest was far more emotional than I had ever imagined, and facing criminal charges was too much to bear. I know I’m an emotional wreck. I’m scattered, unfocused and distracted. I need to slow down.

I enjoy being sober. I enjoy the focus and productivity… and clarity.

I need to learn how to go out and have fun without feeling this need to numb or calm myself by drinking.

People arrested for DUI surely go through a period of assessing their drinking habits and making changes where needed.. or not. I feel guilty for drinking at all. As I know some people go for months, or … ever… without touching alcohol. I want to be reasonable with my response … but drinking too much is not reasonable, or healthy.

Earlier this week, my friend and were enjoying a dinner and a drink to discuss the event of our day and my upcoming fate with my DUI pretrial court date. We raised our glasses as she toasted, “Cheers to what we don’t know.”

A challenge to redirect fear and embrace the things we don’t yet know. Life is such a mystery.

Yesterday I took my grandmother’s jewelry to be appraised to see how much it was worth. The lawyer I would like to use for my DUI case is going to cost me $5,000. If I’m going to hire him, I would need to sell these heirlooms … a difficult decision that I couldn’t make until I knew the worth of my valuables. The jeweler’s offer left me sure that I would not be able to afford the lawyer, which meant I would be going to court in one week and begging the judge to provide me with a public defender. Since I make more than $30,000 a year, I didn’t qualify for the legal defense that the law says I have a right to. Apparently, the line that states, “if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you,” was dependent on figures that didn’t apply to the majority of the population.

As I headed through a part of town I was unfamiliar with, my mind was swimming with a school of thoughts about my DUI. A flash from the side of the road quickly awakened me from my daydream. In that instant, I knew that a speed camera was the culprit, my vehicle plate and windshield were the subjects.

“Damnit! Was this really happening? No. This was not happening. It couldn’t. How could this happen? What the hell? Oh my god, no. I did NOT just get a speeding violation!”

I had quickly slowed down involuntarily once the flash struck, and now did not know how fast I had been going, or if the flash was aimed at me at all. All I knew is that I didn’t need another uncertainty in my life. I didn’t have room for more of the unknown. Unfortunately, the unknowns in my life were beginning to take over my life and outnumber the comforts of what I knew and could anticipate.

As the reality of my latest moving violation set in, I was in disbelief, and quickly spiraled into an internal frenzy of fear as I realized that a speeding ticket after a DUI was not going to fare well for me. Thoughts raced as I scrambled to understand the repercussions of this action. But i didn’t have facts, so my fear was inconsolable. I remembered a friend who told me that if a person receives a DUI, they get 8 points removed from their license. Any moving violation would bring their points to 0 and lead to an automatic license suspension – for a year.

I made it home safely, but once in the door of my house, I fell into complete hysterics.

(more…)

Yesterday was the first day I could let go and not worry about whether or not to hire the DUI lawyer. I had exhausted my energy reserves on Monday and felt absolutely no guilt for allowing myself the freedom of a day without worry.

But today I awoke early filled with the immense pressure of a ticking clock and depleted bank account. If I am to hire this lawyer, I will need to either get a collateral loan or sell the non-sentimental jewelry inherited from my Grammy. I don’t have money to pay back a loan at this point, having just signed up for a credit counseling program, so selling the jewelry seems the most logical.

On top of that, there is mounting pressure of my other financial matters that were already surmounting prior to my DUI. But those were less time-sensitive issues, and could wait. Suddenly, the act of worrying about my late bills and maintaining my credit seemed to take a back burner… everything moved down on the priority totem pole as my court date nears and my time is running out.

After work, I decided to take my dogs on a walk and exert some of my pent up energy. I had work to do at home that night, but after my walk, decided to go to church for another Wednesday night guided meditation. As I entered the calm room filled with people, all the stress from my day was magnified. I found a seat in front and quietly sat, breathed in and exhaled the healing air that would feed my hungry heart.

The meditation was about “Letting Go” … perfect, as expected. As I meditated, I focused on moments of contentment as I breathed in the life-giving air while exhaling the toxic fear that filled my lungs, heart and soul. With each breath, I felt the blackened oxygen-depleted air and energy leaving my body. As I changed my focus, my muscles relaxed and I began to feel connected to others in the room.

During a moment of silent meditation, I felt as if God spoke the word “Go” to me. Unsure what that referred to exactly, I released it from my mind and allowed myself to stay present in the silence.

As I drove home, I found myself obsessing on making plans, a exhausting form of OCD that drains me. “Just be present” i thought as i sat at a red light waiting to turn. As I looked at the car next to me, a series of signs caught my eye. A nearby car lot had multiple large signs posted, each which said, “Go.”

It was a sign. But what did it mean? As I drove home, I decided to stay open and present, but soon thereafter found myself professing that I would “Go” to the lawyer without fear, without hesitation. Tomorrow, I will pray on this one more time. And with that, I will let it go.

Today was filled with anticipation, planning, fear, uncertainty and more tears than I’ve shed in … ever. And, I’m a crier. Ask any of my anonymous friends.

I started my day by heading to a lawyer for a consultation. Let’s just say that I was quite grateful to find a box of tissue in the lobby – indicating that I wasn’t the first tear-stricken lobby visitor in the history of this firm. So far, so good.

As I sat in the waiting room, the tears soared, tears that even an introduction to a stranger who would be my attorney couldn’t stop.H He was gracious and understanding, yet firm and a no frills, down to business guy. Go figure. He better be.

I had been praying for days that God would guide me in the right direction, and had professed that I would “give it up” when the obsessive thoughts and doubts would reign over my otherwise almost-sane mind. And here I was, now sitting in a glass-contained conference room, I was disclosing the details of the case, and learning the process of what I was about to face.

As I sat talking, he was distracted by someone over my shoulder. Having a boystrous voice, I immediately assumed that someone was telling him to keep it down. He assured me I was fine, but shortly thereafter, excused himself to talk to her. Shortly thereafter, he came back into the room and we continued with the interview.

The information I gained was priceless, and I strongly recommend that even if you cannot afford an attorney, go to the free consultation. The information I gained there was invaluable. Unlike the woman at the front desk of the police station who gave me my keys back the morning after my DUI, he had facts for me concerning what I was about to face. What the process would entail, and what my various options were.

During the past 11 days, I had taken in any an all information available to me about first-offense DUI. And none of this information was as clear and thorough as what I learned during that 45 minutes.

**Interject options for proceeding**

At the end of the consultation, he paused and stated that he needed to disclose that someone in the office knew me.

Shocked, I stated, “Really!? Who”

“The woman who called me out of the conference room is your neighbor and she knows you… Jessica”

“{Explicative}” I said. “we do not get along. She’s the president of our HOA and … Oh my! We used to be great friends, but we now…”

“None of that matters here.” he assured.

Being the believer that everything happens for a reason, I asked to see her. Of all of the hundreds, if not thousands of law firms I could have gone to in the valley, I ended up at my arch nemesis. And… I don’t have archnemeses. But she and I had become distant and had been not speaking for well over a year.

She came in and we hugged, as I saw this as a rendevous set up by a higher power that had tried to soften my spirit and get me to go make amends the Wednesday before during my meditiation at church. It was just uncanny and … unbelievable.

Hororscope….

Meeting girls for coffee.

Noting our comments on the food.

The past few days have been filled with anticipation and bewilderment as I face the upcoming hearing for my DUI. While I’m often distracted and saddened by my pending future in courts and jail, driving a car with a breathalyzer and having to pay huge fines, I am also beginning to find that I am still able to enjoy life. Each day feels a bit more like normal, and interestingly, this trauma has distracted me from recent other heartbreaks in my life. This experience has led me to see things with a new perspective, new sense of gratitude that comes from being so humbled.

Accepting my future and embracing my humility is quite empowering. Each step forward becomes easier each day and the emotional sense of insecurity is slowly waning.

Tomorrow, I face my first court hearing where I will plead “not guilty” to my three charges; DUI, BAC over .08 within 2 hours of driving; and unsafe lane change. I have decided to meet with a lawyer for a free consultation prior to my hearing to help ease my anxiety about the upcoming process. At this point, my biggest decision is whether to use an expensive DUI attorney or go with a public defender. The attorneys who specialize in DUIs are well-known for finding technicalities that may otherwise go overlooked, but will cost more than I can afford. His fees are $5000 and I just don’t know how I’d pay for it. My options are to either stop paying my mortgage – something I may need to do anyway so they weill work with me to get a more “appropriate” loan for the house I’m upside down on, or sell my grandmother’s silver Reed & Barton tea set. I’m leaning towards the mortgage, simply because the silver set is so cherished to me, possibly more so than my credit.

Aside from this stressful situation, this weekend has been so wonderful, as I spent time with friends truly enjoying myself. When I am with others, I find that I am not thinking about it, and able to enjoy life. Unfortunately, when I am alone, haunting thoughts and fear are more likely to permeate my mind and quash my otherwise free spirit.

Last night, I went out with my friend and enjoyed some drinks (and had a designated driver.) I have decided that one change I will make in my life is to not drink alone — something I used to do with wine after I got home during the week. I feel comfortable with this change, as it is not drastic, but very healthy, especially since I seem to drink out of boredom. Instead, I plan to take up some hobbies and enjoy them when I get home in the evenings. My brother’s friend asked me if there was anything I’ve always wanted to learn or do that I haven’t done yet. This was a great question and led me to open my mind to several options. I have decide to take up painting and convert one of my gurest rooms into a painting room where I can go and express my creativity. I am SO looking forward to this, and it gives me a chance to express myself. What a healthy compromise.

So, with my forward growth the steps back are becoming fewer, and the sting is felt with each reminder, I am celebrating the momentum in my forward motion.

Best Moments of This Weekend
1. Buying jeans that were at least one size smaller than the ones I”d been wearing.
2. Sharing my Saturday with a dear friend who is just amazing
3. Having time to nest and cook at home on Sunday

I like to drink.

I haven’t ever been into drugs, but this girl enjoys a good glass of wine … or 6. Hence the problem.

As with anything in my life, I’m an “all or nothing” type. Once I start, I have a hard time quitting. Over the years, I’ve become aware of this propensity and have learned to take a cab, stay the night or stop drinking a couple hours before leaving, (which, based on results, doesn’t work.)

The night of my DUI one week ago, I wanted to get home before midnight. Since ordering equals a commitment to stay for “just one more.” I had stopped ordering drinks an hour or so before we left. However, when I got thirsty, I’d sneak a drink of my brother’s beer. . . not recommended.

The first few days following that fateful night, the mere thought of alcohol or a party made me ill. The mere thought of the smell of alcohol was connected to the experience and fear I felt during my arrest. Which is a great Pavlovian response. But as days go by, I can feel those feelings dissipating very slowly.

During these past few days, I’ve contemplated whether to drink EVER again, and if so, HOW to drink.

Bursting with personality, I don’t *need* to drink to have fun. I think I drink because I’m bored. As the popular saying goes, “I only drink to make YOU more interesting.” Well, I drink to make LIFE more interesting. Which doesn’t even make sense, considering that it doesn’t take much to entertain me. Just ask any of the anonymous people I know. (more…)

Last night, I fell asleep pondering the option of hiring the attorney I spoke with earlier that day. He was wonderful, and since he specializes in DUI cases, he knew his business. After questioning me about my weight, how much I had to drink that night, when I started drinking and when i stopped, he was able to mathematically estimate my BAC at the time of the blood draw. His estimate was .09, very close to the .1 I blew in the breathalyzer test.

I was amazed with his voodoo magic (otherwise known as, “science”) and am seriously considering hiring him to try to get my case dismissed. Since nobody in my car, myself included, recalls me “crossing over the yellow line,” there may be a chance that my case could be dismissed if the officer didn’t have a reason to pull me over. I wasn’t speeding, or making any reckless moves. My friends believe the officer watched us leave the parking lot, knowing we probably had drinks at the bar there — a “duck pond” of sorts.

Now, being a Midwest girl raised in a small town, I proudly cling to my naive belief that if you speak with honesty from your heart, good will prevail. A stance that would lead me to simply show up for court and speak my case.

That said, I recently *also* have been made painfully aware that I don’t know diddly about the legal system.

I was actually intending to show up for my hearing and plead guilty. Afterall, if the blood work says I was over the legal limit, I must have been over the limit. However, upon sharing my intent to skip into court and admit guilt, I was laughed at by my “street smart” peers who informed me that even a judge would balk at such a plea.

Who knew? Apparently, everyone but me.

Once my blood work comes back, I have to decide whether to take my chances on a $6,500, highly-recommended attorney, or skip into court on a wing and a prayer.

So, what do you all think? Lawyer? No lawyer? Rabbit’s foot? I’m ready to visit a psychic at this point. Feel free to share your wisdom on the next page . . . (Crystal ball optional.) (more…)

“You’re as sick as your secrets.” How true those words are.

For the past few days, I’ve been debating when, how, if to tell my parents about my DUI last week. After much contemplation and great distress, I decided to face the parental judge and jury.

I told my dad yesterday… today was “Tell Mom Day.” I knew it was coming, but wasn’t sure when my debating mind would teeter over to the “Tell her now” side.

Today, I received an email from my friend’s mother who expressed her feelings about my hesitation to share the disturbing news with my mom. She reassured me that no matter what children do, mothers don’t stop loving us. They may not be pleased, and in this case, she’ll probably be shocked. But they don’t stop loving us.

How wonderful it felt to receive that email from her. I knew this was true, but needed to be ready to face my mom’s disappointment. And when I did, as others had speculated, I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction.

She was understanding, forgiving, loving,
… and just as my friend’s mom speculated
… a bit shocked.

And so was I.

3 Greatest Moments of Today
1. The moment after telling my mom, when hearing her understanding voice on the other end of the phone.
2. Speaking to a friend from the police department who was able to answer some of my questions and ease my mind a bit.
3. Speaking to the wonderful people at Masen Law Firm who were so helpful and relieved some of my stress.

It’s true we’re the hardest on ourselves.

Today I went to church and had to drive by the place where I was pulled over for my DUI last week. As I neared the parking lot that I had pulled out of before the police began following me, I could feel the anxiety rushing over me.

“Would I ever go there again? Would *not* going be overkill? What is in store for my future?” Ugh, the mental anxiety is exhausting.

As I turned the corner, I thought about how aware I had become of my feelings, but I was ok. However, a block later, the tears began flowing … again. I wasn’t even IN church yet, and I was crying. As I parked my car in the furthest spot from the entrance, I sat and let it out. Then I picked up my phone to call my friend who would be there.

She was able to give me the most effective advice in that moment. . . “Why are you so hard on yourself?” She asked.”Do you think God is this hard on you?”

“Well, I guess we’re about to find out.” I replied as I got out of the car and headed toward the building.

“Do you think I love my son any less because he has a DUI?” She asked.

And with that, I came to a new DUIpiphany … we truly ARE harder on ourselves than anyone else. Parents don’t love children less because they make mistakes.

They may be disappointed, angry and frustrated, but they don’t love us any less. And with that, I was able to call my dad today and tell him what happened. I had been harboring the guilt inside for the past few days and needed to come clean.

Of course, dad was disappointed. But he was also understanding … understanding that I recognized my mistake and was humbled by it. It was nice to be able to share with him, and I can only hope to be able to soon tell my mom. But I’m still not so sure she’d want to know. I hate keeping a secret.

“You’re as sick as your secrets” was a phrase my friend shared today. And I believe that. But I also know that my mom will be very disappointed in me. But I think she’ll also appreciate where I am as a result.

Right now, I’m focused on accepting my mistake, forgiving myself and not letting this paralyze my zest for life. I highly doubt that’s possible, cuz I’ve got a lot of personality — and it’s gonna be hard to stifle.

3 Greatest Moments of Today:

1. Realizing that I’m hardest on myself – and God knows who I am inside and out.

2.Feeling the disappointment, love, support and forgiveness from my dad.

3. Spending a beer-free NFL Sunday with a dear friend.